Time really flies,
it was like not too long ago
we were celebrating Christmas
with your family.
I came to realised it’s been a year.

After all, I guess I really don’t miss you at all.
Didn’t even notice that you were not around.
But I realised I do the miss
the Christmas shopping for your family.

I came to realised
the hardest to let go
in this whole marriage
is actually your family.
Even though, I must admit,
I do not understand them
most of the time.
Nor could they understand me.

I miss the weekly dinner.
I miss Mom’s cooking.
I miss her soups.
I miss Dad’s long history lessons.
I miss bringing Dad to the doctors.
I miss getting caught between them.

Oddly, I wish I don’t have to
liaise with you ever again.
But I do wish to visit them.

If you were to ask me if I hate you,
I would say ‘no’.
Honestly, I don’t have much feeling left
towards you but just memories of the past.
And whenever I spoke of you,
it’s like narrating a story
or sharing an experience.
Some mistook it as I still miss you.
But honestly,
I don’t.
In fact,
I am happy with things the way they are now.

Most people asked me.
“If he were to repent and come back,
will you take him back?”
Not saying you will,
but guess that doesn’t matter anymore,
as I am sure I don’t want to go back
to the life when I was with you.
Don’t get me wrong.
It’s not about forgiveness here.
I came to realised
I was not happy
when I was with you.

And after what ever happened
since that day,
You have made me lost all respects for you.
It’s no longer about what you did.
It’s more on what you are doing
or not doing.
The way you have been
handling the whole thing
made me truly despise you.
I can no longer
look at you
the same way as before.

On the other hand,
I truly have to Thank You.
Due to your incompetence,
I am more than happy
you are no longer in my life.
And I truly Thank God for this.

I really don’t expect anyone to comprehend
what I am going through.
And the last I need now is sympathy.
But for someone who has seen me
from healthy to sick,
to marry me and
slept next to me for 3 years,
the least I expect is understanding
and not condemnation
nor comparison.

So what if there are people who are
worse off than I am?
So what if there people who are
suffering more than I am?
I am not them and they are not me.
We all grew up in a different environment.
We are all blessed in different aspects.
I am blessed with a family
who provides and
thus gives me the luxury to rest.
I am blessed with a family
who spoils me rotten.
Stop telling me to get a job
just because there are people
who are suffering more than I am are working.
Who are you to tell me to get a job
when the people providing are not
and don’t want me to?

What really puzzles me is
why can’t you see when the rest could?
My mum could tell a trend.
My friends could.
But you, who sleep next to me, couldn’t.

And now, I am wondering,
you couldn’t or
you just want me to work
so that you need not pay me
maintenance????

2006 was a very interesting year.
I kind of ended a 20 over year friendship.
Didn’t know what happened
but just suddenly felt that
I had enough from this friend.

I stopped going to Innate as
I felt that I needed a change.
I found another therapy
called Chotai.
When I was there,
the therapist asked if I want
to try Hypnotherapy.
She felt that was going to help me.

After much internal struggling,
I emptied my bank
and went ahead to give it a shot.

Hypnotherapy was indeed
a very painful process.
It really dug into the deepest
things and issues that you thought
you have gotten over with or
you had buried some where deep inside.
But…
coming face to face with such issues,
I realized that these are really
the problem to my health issues.

At least I found out one of the reasons
why I couldn’t sleep at night.
And I found out why I had anxiety attacks.
I also found out why the tensions
all over my body.
I also found out I am really tired
in my marriage and it’s time to end.

I can say that with Hypnotherapy,
my health has improved a lot.
There are more better days
than bad ones.
I am also more aware and honest with
my feelings and emotions now
and thus less bottled up issues.

I believe my days are getting better.
And as long as I live everyday,
nothing else really matter.

And in end 2006,
our marriage of over 3 years has ended.

Year 2005 was the most horrible,
yet a year that I have the learnt the most.

In January, my left eye was infected with eye ulcer.
A few millimeters to blindness.
For the whole week,
I couldn’t quite open my eyes.
Whenever I did,
I started tearing.
I went for Alpha Alignment sessions,
as they are only in town once a month
for a few days over the weekend.

I met a guy who does other form of
alternate healing.
He simply put his hand on my left eye.
It felt a bit warm,
and more comfortable later.
I could open my eyes after and
it didn’t bother me that much.
I found it truly amazing.
And I went on with my research with
alternate healing.

A week after, my eye doctor discharged me
and said I have fully recovered.
I was so happy but not for long.

That same night,
I started having fever.
For the next 5 days,
fever came on and off.
I lost my appetite totally.
And when I can’t eat,
it’s definitely something serious.
Went to my family doctor again.
Took my blood test and
was told to admit myself to
the hospital.
Oh well,
Dengue Fever.

Lucky enough,
I only had to stay 1 night.
Ha…
Stoic as usual, broke TTSH’s record.
1st patient to be discharge overnight for Dengue.
I should be proud of myself, shouldn’t I?
Ha…

Two weeks later,
I went back to my family doctor as told,
took another blood test to make sure
I have fully recovered.
Well, I did.
But soon…
I had a full blown Eczema all over.
Every day and night was scratching
and scratching.
I refused to go see skin specialist
as I really hate those steroid creams.
And I don’t want to take any medicine.

I am going weak.
Mentally,
and emotionally.
I started crying when I am alone.
When I can’t sleep.
And when my dear husband
couldn’t understand.

A month later,
my ex-neighbour introduced
another kind of healing.
Network Spinal Analysis
at Innate.
I have spoken to many people
about my condition.
And only she could relate as
she is also suffering from the same.
Suddenly, I feel I am so normal.

My first session at Innate
was truly amazing.
After the session,
came home and took a nap.
I was feeling very tired.
And when I woke after a few hours,
half or more of my eczema was gone.
It was really like miracle.
But my nightmare didn’t stop there.

A lump was found on
the right side of my neck.
After a while, it started growing.
My family doctor referred me to
see an ENT specialist.
Even though it was benign,
after all the test,
the specialist advised me to remove it.
As it was growing
and we don’t know if it will “turn bad”.
So in September,
I went for an operation
to remove that lump
that was growing in my lymph node.

Well,
in a way,
that was the end of all the extra
agonies apart from my fibromyalgia.
Some where along that year,
I had terrible break out all over my face.
It’s still around,
sometimes better,
sometimes worse.

Life goes on…

The first time I heard of the word
Fibromyalgia was in 2003.
My physiotherapist
briefly mentioned that to me.
He suspected that I could be
suffering from that.
I couldn't understand him.
I asked him for the spelling
and did some studies on it.

According to Wikipedia,
Fibromyalgia (FM or FMS) is
a chronic syndrome
(constellation of signs and symptoms)
characterized by
diffuse or specific muscle, joint, or
bone pain, fatigue, and
a wide range of other symptoms.
It is not contagious,
and recent studies suggest that people
with fibromyalgia may be
genetically predisposed.
Fibromyalgia is seen in
3% to 6% of the general population,
and is most commonly diagnosed
in individuals between
the ages of 20 and 50,
though onset can occur in childhood.
The disease is not life-threatening,
though the degree of symptoms may
vary greatly from day to day
with periods of flares
(severe worsening of symptoms) or remission.
The syndrome is generally perceived as
non-progressive, yet that issue
is still debated.

I didn’t go further
to do any test to confirm it.
As it was not a very established disease.
And maybe I didn't want to believe
that’s what I am suffering from.

After a while,
even my chiropractor finds it weird
that my muscle is forever so tensed.
He suspected it could be due to
hormonal imbalance.
He referred me to see a doctor who
does integrated medicine.
One who preferred to use
a natural, holistic and preventive approach.

It was at his clinic
that I was told that I have
Fibromyalgia again.
He put me through a 1-month
food diary and at the end of the day,
he said I can’t eat almost everything.
I really felt like dying at that instance.
He was about to take my only
happiness in life away.
I left his clinic and never went back.

Life continued on.
Therapies continued on.
Yoga continued on.
Everyday,
same struggle but
learning and seeing life
from a whole new perspective.

Every Monday,
I will go see the Chinese sin sei,
for acupuncture and tui na.
After which, I will go for foot reflexology.
Every other week,
I have appointment with my chiropractor.
Everyone said I have a good life.

After half a year,
my chiropractor referred me
to see a physiotherapist and
encourage me to start yoga.
With a spinal problem,
basically, I can only do
swimming, yoga, pilates and water aerobics.
Any other exercise with high impact is out.

So from then on,
different therapies was scheduled
around my life.

I am lucky to be blessed with a mum
who is willing to pay
for all these therapies and
give me the luxury
to do all at a beautiful spa.
Everyone said I have a good life.

Let’s put it this way,
when you do all these
because you want to,
it’s luxurious.
When you do all these
because you have to,
it all becomes a chore.
Regardless how I feel everyday,
I have to drag myself to
the acupuncture,
foot reflexology,
physiotherapy,
yoga,
water therapy
and so on.
I am not enjoying them any more.
And no one understand
why I am not enjoying
my good life.

And things didn't seems to get better.
I still have sleep problem.
And worse.
I can’t fall asleep for 3 days.
Then when I do,
I can’t wake up the following day.
This was the worse.

Many nights I cried and cried
wishing I have terminal illness.
So that I can just die
or at least I know I can die from it.
I started having depression.
With all the effort of going to therapies,
things doesn't seem to get better
but worse.
Many nights when I feel really exhausted,
but can’t sleep,
I really had the urge to jump off the building.
Yet, no one understands.

As not to disappoint my mum,
I continued on with my therapies.
I kept all my frustrations
away from her.
And I stopped talking my illness.
Since no one can understand,
what’s the point.
They only make me feel
more frustrated.

I told myself that I can’t give up.
Since I was only 30 years old,
and I won’t die from this.
Life has to go on.
It’s a choice how I want to go on.
Bed ridden and depressive?
Or make the full out of what I can?

For one over year,
I was totally lost.
Seen specialists,
done physiotherapies,
and gave up all.

Not only did things not improve,
I was becoming
more and more bedridden.

Initially I thought I had a stroke.
Waking up and
not able to find my limbs.
And it takes about half an hour
before I could move them.
After a while, I just got used to it.

And sometimes,
when I woke,
my head just felt so heavy,
that I went back to sleep.
Waking up became
a real challenge to me.

Early 2002,
I found a chiropractor by chance.
He felt something was wrong with my neck.
And I didn't even share with him
the earlier diagnostic.
Suddenly I saw hope again.

He sent me for X-rays once again.
And I started going to him for treatment.
The only reason I stick with this doctor
was because he took me seriously.
At about the same time,
I started acupuncture and
foot reflexology.

The most interesting part about all these was,
the chiropractor,
my family doctor and
the Chinese sin sei
all could tell me the same thing
from the old X-rays I took
when I was seeing the specialist
at our famous local hospital,
which the specialist didn't tell me.
My neck was too straight,
and the spurs from the deformation
was poking on my nerve.

And hence, I started another journey of therapies.

It all started end of year 1999.
While typing on the keyboard,
my fingers started to feel numb.
This went on for a few days,
and I went to see doctors.
The orthopedic said
I have Cervical Spondylosis.
Well, I didn't quite understand him,
except that spines around the neck
are deformed and pressing on my nerves.

A few weeks later,
part of my head started feeling numb as well.
I was sent to the neurologist.
After all the tests,
I was told I was normal.

This went on for a while.
I started feeling very tired easily
and I had problem waking up.
I couldn't even wake up on time
for a 3pm work shift.
Or I could wake up feeling awake,
and started feeling so tired after the first meal.

Headaches and numbness
became my best friend.
Some doctors even suggest
I had psychiatric problem.
Or I was just trying to get
medical certification to miss work.

By mid of year 2000,
I couldn't carry on working anymore.
I have used up my medical leave
for the entire year.
And I felt it wasn’t fair
for the company that hired me.

I felt totally hopeless then.
No one could tell me what went wrong.
And things didn't get better after
I left my job.
And no one could understand me.
Some thought I was just being lazy.
Some thought I was just being spoilt.
And no one could understand
how frustrated I was.

A lot of people have the misconception
that having self-love means
it’s all about you and no one else.
The fact is when you have self-love,
you have more to give and share,.

Having self-love means having self-respect.
It also means being honest and truthful to yourself.
It also means knowing who you are,
what are your responsibilities and duties.
It also means taking good care of yourself,
mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

When you give because you want to,
it’s self-love.
When you give because you know
it’s your responsibilities and duties,
it’s self-respect.
When you do things from your heart,
it’s self-love.
When you give because you have to,
it’s out of obligation.
When you give to please others,
it’s low self-esteem.
When you take and take and don't give,
you are self-ish.
When you do things without the consideration of others,
it’s self-centered.
When you love yourself and no one else,
it’s narcissistic.

At the end of the day,
whatever you do,
you have to feel fulfilled,
then that’s self-love.
At the end of the day,
whatever you do,
if you feel empty,
please go find some love for yourself.
When you do things out from love for yourself,
you will not ever feel emptied or short changed.

I used to think and believe
people who are older are
smarter and should know more.
Shouldn't they be?
They should have more experiences than I did.
They should have seen more than I did.

I came to realized
it’s not all so true after all.
They might have more experiences than I do.
They might have seen more than I do.
But that doesn't mean that they are smarter
or have better solutions.

As I grow older,
I came to realized
being smart and being wise
are two separate things.
You might be smart,
but doesn't mean that
makes you wise.
Or vice versa.

I have met a lot of people
who have been through a lot in life
but not wise enough to learn
anything out from it.
They thought just because
they have been through life
they know it all.
But the fact is,
they keep going in circle,
not understanding why.

I have met people younger,
who are so amazingly wise,
said profound things about life.
I have met people older,
who makes you listen to them,
just because they are older,
said superficial things about life.

So, my understanding of age is that,
age is just but a number.
And it could be totally meaningless.
It is basically just a number
that says how many years
you have been living on earth.
It does not mean that as the number grows,
you become smarter or wiser.

I was reading a book
on how to win your partner back.

It doesn't give you A to Z instructions
on what you should or shouldn't do.
Because everyone is different.
What works on you,
might not work for another.

A relationship is like a house.
If the foundation of the house is not strong,
the house will collapse in a matter of time.
You and your partner are
like the main structures of the house.
And your relationship with your partner
is built on these structures.

Imagine the main structures of the house
are not strong or stable.
Imagine there are big cracks
all over the main structures.
Imagine one structure is not strong or stable,
and dependent on the other.
Can you build a strong house?

How to have strong and stable structure,
and not over reliant on the other?
That’s to work on self.
Meaning, self worth and self love.
Meaning, know who you are.
Meaning, know what you want.

When you rely on your partner
to make you feel worthy,
When you rely on your partner
to make you feel love,
your partner will be drained one day
and the relationship will collapse,
just like the house.

When both of you have self worth,
when both of you have self love,
you have a strong foundation
for the relationship to be to built on,
just like the house.

In every good relationship,
the partners should help each other to grow,
and not pull each other down.
It should be two strong structures
whereby the house is build upon.
It shouldn’t be a structure
that’s not strong and stable
and using the other
to build the house upon.
Or worse still,
both structures are not strong
and a house is build upon.

We often tell our loved ones,
we love them.
But how often do we tell ourselves,
we love ourselves?

Is loving ourselves a form of narcissism?
And to be shunned from?
Or are we too busy looking for love from others?
Love to fill the void we feel?
Or are we too afraid to look within ourselves?
Afraid to find what we may not like?

How much we love ourselves,
depends on how worthy we feel of ourselves.
How worthy we feel of ourselves,
depends on our past experiences.
These experiences can leave us hungry for love,
yet not feeling worthy or deserving of it
and incapable of accepting it.

Many of us don't feel good
unless in a relationship,
so that we can say we are loved thus loveable.
But this could mean needing a relationship too much
that we will endure anything
to stay in the relationship.

When we don't love ourselves,
there are other traps in life that we can fall into.
Some of us go for drugs and alcohol.
Some of us go for loose sex.
Some of us go for shopping therapy.
These are temporary external fixes
to an internal problem.
These distract us from facing ourselves
and working on healing past hurts
that contribute to our low self worth.

So why can’t we love ourselves?
To feel loved from within?
To feel good from within?
Is it because we don’t feel worthy?
Why can’t we apply the gifts of love,
that we so often readily extend to others,
to ourselves?
What about acceptance?
What about kindness?
What about respect?
What about patience?
What about recognition?
What about acknowledgement?
Can we love ourselves the way

we want to love others?

KNOW YOUR HEART

We need to love ourselves

Learn to know our heart

To come home to ourselves

When mind and soul

Have been apart

We need to trust ourselves

Learn to accept and forgive

No stranger to our heart

For only then can

We really live!

MERLE HULL

------2002------

COPYRIGHT RESERVED

Self worth is not based on how much money you make,
neither is it’s based on how big a house you are staying in,
nor how many designers’ stuff you are carrying.
It is neither based on your position in a company,
nor how well you score academically,
nor what you have achieved academically.

Self worth has to be intrinsic.
How you view yourself and
not how others view you.
Self worth is about knowing who you really are.
Your value as a person.
Your purpose in life.
Your place in the world.
Your strength and weaknesses.
Your independence and ability to stand on your own feet.

When you have high self-worth,
you tend to be confident,
you tend to be happy,
you tend to be motivated,
you tend to be sure.
you are less fearful of failure,
you are able to overcome obstacles and setbacks.
It is the foundation of your ability to believe in yourself.
It is about you.
It is not what others approve of you.

When you have low self worth,
you tend to be lack of confident,
you tend to give rise to depression,
you tend to be unsatisfied,
you tend to be insecure,
you are more fearful of failure,
you are more likely to stumble at every seemingly impossible challenge.
There is no foundation of your ability to believe in yourself.
It is not about you.
It is more of doing what others approve of you.

Having good self worth means that
you know yourself enough
to not need the approval of others.
You don't need to be rich to get recognition.
You don't need to carry Gucci bags to feel good.
You don't need to be thin to feel beautiful.
You just feel good for who you are
that you don't need to stay in a private estate,
so that you can say you can afford it so you are rich.
It doesn't matter.
How much worth in assets you have
doesn't determine your value.
It's how much worth in your self
that determines.
When you stay in a private estate in order to feel rich,
it could mean that you are needing it too much,
that you will do anything to stay in it,
because without it,
you feel that you are poor
and others will look down on you.

It is always good to receive approval and recognition from others,
but not dependent on it.
You have to feel good and feel whole as individual.
With good self worth,
you have a realistic appraisal of your capacities,
you have deserved respect from others.

Are you a creator or a victim in your life?
According to law of attraction,
which is part of quantum physics,
you are a creator of your life.
You create your past.
You create your now.
You create your future.

It’s easier to see yourself as a victim.
It’s easier to whine about how you are not being treated fairly.
It’s easier to get people’s attention when you are a victim.
You can repeat your story over and over again,
and convince yourself that you are a victim,
and you are a victim.

But are you really a victim?
You are a creator of your life.
If you see yourself as a victim,
You have created it to be that way.
Let’s put it this way,
If you keep thinking your partner will betray you,
your partner will betray you.
You have attracted that to happen.
How?
Law of attraction.

According to law of attraction,
Your intentions make things happen.
Your thoughts make things happen.
Your words make things happen.
You vibrate all these and make things happen.

So, think again,
Are you a creator or victim?
What kind of life do you want?
You can change your past,
You can change your now,
Let alone say,
your FUTURE.

If you say you didn't know, I feel sorry for you.
Now that even the blind and deaf knows,
I feel you deserve it.
If you married her, I understand you.
It's all about responsibilities,
I feel you have no choice.
If you enjoy being trampled all over,
don't ever grumble or feel short changed.
For you have had your own enjoyment.
Now, what are you thinking?

You told me you are a family man.
What is a family with no love?
You told me you want to go home to someone.
What is the point of rushing home to someone
when this someone doesn't want you?
When this someone doesn't love you?
When this someone is just using you?
Won't it be better to go Vietnam
and get yourself a wife?
At least you saved someone from poverty.
As least you are being treated like a king.

You don't apply the things you have told me.
Now, I wonder if I should have listened to you.
Now, I wonder if I should have given him a chance,
Afterall, I am still married to him and we made a vow.
Why were you so angry?
Why did you think I should leave?
Despite the hurt,
at least, then, he still respond to me.
Is betrayal worse than an unspoken deal?

It's so frustrating to pull someone out from the pitfall,
when this someone chooses to jump right back in,
when this someone is already halfway out.
Where was she when you needed her the most?
Was she the one who pushed you in?
Or was it yourself?
Was she the one who pulled you out?
Or was it yourself?
Or was it your friends?

It's your life, it's your choice.
One day when she leaves again,
and when you are really alone,
don't blame anyone,
don't ask where are your friends.
If you still have friends to catch you from the fall,
please be thankful for their love and patience,
please be thankful for God sent Angels.

As a friend, I pray that you have happiness.
As a friend, I pray that I am a skeptic.
As a friend, I pray that you are blessed.
As a friend, I pray for you.

I have finally understood,
why women go for 5 Cs.
Since most men can't stay faithful,
it's better to buy insurance.
At least, when they are together,
she gets some luxury.
At least, when they ended up in divorce,
she gets some money.
I was so stupid.
I believed in love.
I believed my man was different.

I have came to realised,
most women here are more capable than their men.
That's why divorce statistics is going up.
Women here are good at multi task.
Women here are good at making money.
Women here are good at taking stress.
Women here are generally wiser.
Maybe it's the culture here.
So why do women here need men?

So my conclusion is,
women here get married
either because they are stupid like me,
or because they are lazy.

It was today, 4 years ago, we said "I DO!"
We were happy and looking forward to our new life together.
Everyone was there to congratulate us.
Everyone was saying how compatible we were.
And I really believed "Till death do us apart."

Today, 4 years later, you have moved out.
You are telling her how you missed her.
You are telling her how you want to be with her.
And you want to be alone.

Today, 4 years later, I am still staying here.
I am telling everyone how you've betrayed me.
I am telling everyone how you've hurt me.
And I am alone.

What have gone wrong?
I have no idea.
Was it you?
Was it me?
Or was it just God's will?
I have no idea.

Am I angry?
I don't know.
Are you happy?
I don't care.
I just want you to clear your things in the house.
I just want to move on with my life.
I just believe God has better plans for me.

Happy 4th Anniversary?!

I wonder if I should call you.
I wonder if I should see you.
I wonder if I still have that special place in your heart.
It's been so many years, so many years...
Remember when I was 7 and you were 9.
Remember when I was 13, in the school canteen.
Remember when my friend called you.
Remember when we kept bumming into each other.
Remember when you called me "bao bei".
Remember when we were apart.
I always know how you feel without you having to tell me.
I always feel your presence without having to see you.
I always understand you when no one else could.
I can't forget how you convinced me to be your girlfriend.
I can't forget how you gave me flowers.
I can't forget how you made me feel so special.
I can't forget that last look you gave me.
I miss you... where are you?
I miss you... where are you?
I miss you... where are you?
I just can't forget how you loved me, so special and gentle...
I can't... just can't...

Don't know what started me on this. Hmm... Maybe it's a good way for me to express myself, a place to put down my thoughts and my feelings. Not good at writing either. Hope this will improve that too. Ha...
Never kept a diary to date. Always afraid someone will find it, read it and use it against me. And now, I share my little world with the whole entire world. Irony of life.