爱你痛到不知痛

词:林振强

生命何时开始
确信不疑偶遇你时
凝望你一双眼开始

但思念如何休止
见你之时已是太迟
无办法共同过日子

不想想起偏更记起
假装开心心更悲
辗转翻侧因为你起
愿你不是你

只好爱你痛到不知痛
缘来缘离没法懂
然而如从未相逢
来年回头梦更空

天地何时终止
远去之时告别你时
全部已不再有意思

问生命谁人主使
说有选择乃是托辞
谁没有为情变自私

可拣选不恋上你么
可拣选不想你么
种种拣选可以许多
若我不是我

只好爱你痛到不知痛
缘来缘离没法懂
然而如何路不同
曾同行寒夜雪中

只好爱你痛到不知痛
缘来缘离没法懂
然而如从未相逢
来年回头梦更空
爱你痛到不知痛
缘来缘离没法懂

It’s been a while since I wrote.
Basically, there’s nothing much to blog about.
Life has been pretty much the same.
Busy with don’t know what.
Ha…

Still working hard on my health.
Trying everything I can.
The good news is…
There is a good improvement
if I can stay discipline on my diet.

I was told that I was on a SAD diet
which stands for Standard American Diet,
and it’s very bad for me,
though I love it.
So…
I have to try to give them up totally or
eat them only once in a blue blue moon.
That’s really tough.

So what am I eating everyday…

Well, I have a glass of blended fruit and vegetable juice
before brunch everyday.
Blended juice meaning
taking the pulps as well.
And for brunch,
I eat whatever mum puts on the table.
And after,
a cup of coffee with my dessert.
Before dinner,
another 2 glasses of the juice.
And for dinner,
Raw salad.
And after,
another a cup of coffee with my dessert.
Interesting yeah…?

Well…
If I can give up my coffee and dessert,
it will be even better for my health.
But I am still unable to do that.
Guess, that will make me feel that
life is totally meaningless.

If I stick to this diet diligently,
I tend to sleep better and
I feel I have more energy.
I think the reason to this is,
the colon is cleaner,
so less toxin in the body
and thus less stress on the body.

Also,
I am seeing my teacher to
balance my body constitution.
I believe that helps too.

Finally,
I am in more control of my body.
I believe things will only get better with perseverance.

What is a perfect world?
Hmm…
Is there a perfect world?
Hmm…

Well…

A perfect world is one’s perception
of how this world should be.
And how one derives this perception
depends on many factors.
Childhood,
Upbringing,
Education,
Environmental,
Friends,
Exposure,
etc…

Well…

From the many factors,
I can safely say that no
two persons have the exact
same idea of the perfect world.
And given that some of the factors
are not constant,
the idea of one’s perfect world
is not constant.

So…

After much analysing,
I came to this conclusion.
There is a perfect world.
It’s just that this perfect world
is different to different people.
And this perfect world
changes as one changes.
It’s all but one’s dream.

Time really flies,
it was like not too long ago
we were celebrating Christmas
with your family.
I came to realised it’s been a year.

After all, I guess I really don’t miss you at all.
Didn’t even notice that you were not around.
But I realised I do the miss
the Christmas shopping for your family.

I came to realised
the hardest to let go
in this whole marriage
is actually your family.
Even though, I must admit,
I do not understand them
most of the time.
Nor could they understand me.

I miss the weekly dinner.
I miss Mom’s cooking.
I miss her soups.
I miss Dad’s long history lessons.
I miss bringing Dad to the doctors.
I miss getting caught between them.

Oddly, I wish I don’t have to
liaise with you ever again.
But I do wish to visit them.

If you were to ask me if I hate you,
I would say ‘no’.
Honestly, I don’t have much feeling left
towards you but just memories of the past.
And whenever I spoke of you,
it’s like narrating a story
or sharing an experience.
Some mistook it as I still miss you.
But honestly,
I don’t.
In fact,
I am happy with things the way they are now.

Most people asked me.
“If he were to repent and come back,
will you take him back?”
Not saying you will,
but guess that doesn’t matter anymore,
as I am sure I don’t want to go back
to the life when I was with you.
Don’t get me wrong.
It’s not about forgiveness here.
I came to realised
I was not happy
when I was with you.

And after what ever happened
since that day,
You have made me lost all respects for you.
It’s no longer about what you did.
It’s more on what you are doing
or not doing.
The way you have been
handling the whole thing
made me truly despise you.
I can no longer
look at you
the same way as before.

On the other hand,
I truly have to Thank You.
Due to your incompetence,
I am more than happy
you are no longer in my life.
And I truly Thank God for this.

I really don’t expect anyone to comprehend
what I am going through.
And the last I need now is sympathy.
But for someone who has seen me
from healthy to sick,
to marry me and
slept next to me for 3 years,
the least I expect is understanding
and not condemnation
nor comparison.

So what if there are people who are
worse off than I am?
So what if there people who are
suffering more than I am?
I am not them and they are not me.
We all grew up in a different environment.
We are all blessed in different aspects.
I am blessed with a family
who provides and
thus gives me the luxury to rest.
I am blessed with a family
who spoils me rotten.
Stop telling me to get a job
just because there are people
who are suffering more than I am are working.
Who are you to tell me to get a job
when the people providing are not
and don’t want me to?

What really puzzles me is
why can’t you see when the rest could?
My mum could tell a trend.
My friends could.
But you, who sleep next to me, couldn’t.

And now, I am wondering,
you couldn’t or
you just want me to work
so that you need not pay me
maintenance????