Every Monday,
I will go see the Chinese sin sei,
for acupuncture and tui na.
After which, I will go for foot reflexology.
Every other week,
I have appointment with my chiropractor.
Everyone said I have a good life.

After half a year,
my chiropractor referred me
to see a physiotherapist and
encourage me to start yoga.
With a spinal problem,
basically, I can only do
swimming, yoga, pilates and water aerobics.
Any other exercise with high impact is out.

So from then on,
different therapies was scheduled
around my life.

I am lucky to be blessed with a mum
who is willing to pay
for all these therapies and
give me the luxury
to do all at a beautiful spa.
Everyone said I have a good life.

Let’s put it this way,
when you do all these
because you want to,
it’s luxurious.
When you do all these
because you have to,
it all becomes a chore.
Regardless how I feel everyday,
I have to drag myself to
the acupuncture,
foot reflexology,
physiotherapy,
yoga,
water therapy
and so on.
I am not enjoying them any more.
And no one understand
why I am not enjoying
my good life.

And things didn't seems to get better.
I still have sleep problem.
And worse.
I can’t fall asleep for 3 days.
Then when I do,
I can’t wake up the following day.
This was the worse.

Many nights I cried and cried
wishing I have terminal illness.
So that I can just die
or at least I know I can die from it.
I started having depression.
With all the effort of going to therapies,
things doesn't seem to get better
but worse.
Many nights when I feel really exhausted,
but can’t sleep,
I really had the urge to jump off the building.
Yet, no one understands.

As not to disappoint my mum,
I continued on with my therapies.
I kept all my frustrations
away from her.
And I stopped talking my illness.
Since no one can understand,
what’s the point.
They only make me feel
more frustrated.

I told myself that I can’t give up.
Since I was only 30 years old,
and I won’t die from this.
Life has to go on.
It’s a choice how I want to go on.
Bed ridden and depressive?
Or make the full out of what I can?