I really don’t expect anyone to comprehend
what I am going through.
And the last I need now is sympathy.
But for someone who has seen me
from healthy to sick,
to marry me and
slept next to me for 3 years,
the least I expect is understanding
and not condemnation
nor comparison.

So what if there are people who are
worse off than I am?
So what if there people who are
suffering more than I am?
I am not them and they are not me.
We all grew up in a different environment.
We are all blessed in different aspects.
I am blessed with a family
who provides and
thus gives me the luxury to rest.
I am blessed with a family
who spoils me rotten.
Stop telling me to get a job
just because there are people
who are suffering more than I am are working.
Who are you to tell me to get a job
when the people providing are not
and don’t want me to?

What really puzzles me is
why can’t you see when the rest could?
My mum could tell a trend.
My friends could.
But you, who sleep next to me, couldn’t.

And now, I am wondering,
you couldn’t or
you just want me to work
so that you need not pay me
maintenance????

2006 was a very interesting year.
I kind of ended a 20 over year friendship.
Didn’t know what happened
but just suddenly felt that
I had enough from this friend.

I stopped going to Innate as
I felt that I needed a change.
I found another therapy
called Chotai.
When I was there,
the therapist asked if I want
to try Hypnotherapy.
She felt that was going to help me.

After much internal struggling,
I emptied my bank
and went ahead to give it a shot.

Hypnotherapy was indeed
a very painful process.
It really dug into the deepest
things and issues that you thought
you have gotten over with or
you had buried some where deep inside.
But…
coming face to face with such issues,
I realized that these are really
the problem to my health issues.

At least I found out one of the reasons
why I couldn’t sleep at night.
And I found out why I had anxiety attacks.
I also found out why the tensions
all over my body.
I also found out I am really tired
in my marriage and it’s time to end.

I can say that with Hypnotherapy,
my health has improved a lot.
There are more better days
than bad ones.
I am also more aware and honest with
my feelings and emotions now
and thus less bottled up issues.

I believe my days are getting better.
And as long as I live everyday,
nothing else really matter.

And in end 2006,
our marriage of over 3 years has ended.

Year 2005 was the most horrible,
yet a year that I have the learnt the most.

In January, my left eye was infected with eye ulcer.
A few millimeters to blindness.
For the whole week,
I couldn’t quite open my eyes.
Whenever I did,
I started tearing.
I went for Alpha Alignment sessions,
as they are only in town once a month
for a few days over the weekend.

I met a guy who does other form of
alternate healing.
He simply put his hand on my left eye.
It felt a bit warm,
and more comfortable later.
I could open my eyes after and
it didn’t bother me that much.
I found it truly amazing.
And I went on with my research with
alternate healing.

A week after, my eye doctor discharged me
and said I have fully recovered.
I was so happy but not for long.

That same night,
I started having fever.
For the next 5 days,
fever came on and off.
I lost my appetite totally.
And when I can’t eat,
it’s definitely something serious.
Went to my family doctor again.
Took my blood test and
was told to admit myself to
the hospital.
Oh well,
Dengue Fever.

Lucky enough,
I only had to stay 1 night.
Ha…
Stoic as usual, broke TTSH’s record.
1st patient to be discharge overnight for Dengue.
I should be proud of myself, shouldn’t I?
Ha…

Two weeks later,
I went back to my family doctor as told,
took another blood test to make sure
I have fully recovered.
Well, I did.
But soon…
I had a full blown Eczema all over.
Every day and night was scratching
and scratching.
I refused to go see skin specialist
as I really hate those steroid creams.
And I don’t want to take any medicine.

I am going weak.
Mentally,
and emotionally.
I started crying when I am alone.
When I can’t sleep.
And when my dear husband
couldn’t understand.

A month later,
my ex-neighbour introduced
another kind of healing.
Network Spinal Analysis
at Innate.
I have spoken to many people
about my condition.
And only she could relate as
she is also suffering from the same.
Suddenly, I feel I am so normal.

My first session at Innate
was truly amazing.
After the session,
came home and took a nap.
I was feeling very tired.
And when I woke after a few hours,
half or more of my eczema was gone.
It was really like miracle.
But my nightmare didn’t stop there.

A lump was found on
the right side of my neck.
After a while, it started growing.
My family doctor referred me to
see an ENT specialist.
Even though it was benign,
after all the test,
the specialist advised me to remove it.
As it was growing
and we don’t know if it will “turn bad”.
So in September,
I went for an operation
to remove that lump
that was growing in my lymph node.

Well,
in a way,
that was the end of all the extra
agonies apart from my fibromyalgia.
Some where along that year,
I had terrible break out all over my face.
It’s still around,
sometimes better,
sometimes worse.

Life goes on…

The first time I heard of the word
Fibromyalgia was in 2003.
My physiotherapist
briefly mentioned that to me.
He suspected that I could be
suffering from that.
I couldn't understand him.
I asked him for the spelling
and did some studies on it.

According to Wikipedia,
Fibromyalgia (FM or FMS) is
a chronic syndrome
(constellation of signs and symptoms)
characterized by
diffuse or specific muscle, joint, or
bone pain, fatigue, and
a wide range of other symptoms.
It is not contagious,
and recent studies suggest that people
with fibromyalgia may be
genetically predisposed.
Fibromyalgia is seen in
3% to 6% of the general population,
and is most commonly diagnosed
in individuals between
the ages of 20 and 50,
though onset can occur in childhood.
The disease is not life-threatening,
though the degree of symptoms may
vary greatly from day to day
with periods of flares
(severe worsening of symptoms) or remission.
The syndrome is generally perceived as
non-progressive, yet that issue
is still debated.

I didn’t go further
to do any test to confirm it.
As it was not a very established disease.
And maybe I didn't want to believe
that’s what I am suffering from.

After a while,
even my chiropractor finds it weird
that my muscle is forever so tensed.
He suspected it could be due to
hormonal imbalance.
He referred me to see a doctor who
does integrated medicine.
One who preferred to use
a natural, holistic and preventive approach.

It was at his clinic
that I was told that I have
Fibromyalgia again.
He put me through a 1-month
food diary and at the end of the day,
he said I can’t eat almost everything.
I really felt like dying at that instance.
He was about to take my only
happiness in life away.
I left his clinic and never went back.

Life continued on.
Therapies continued on.
Yoga continued on.
Everyday,
same struggle but
learning and seeing life
from a whole new perspective.

Every Monday,
I will go see the Chinese sin sei,
for acupuncture and tui na.
After which, I will go for foot reflexology.
Every other week,
I have appointment with my chiropractor.
Everyone said I have a good life.

After half a year,
my chiropractor referred me
to see a physiotherapist and
encourage me to start yoga.
With a spinal problem,
basically, I can only do
swimming, yoga, pilates and water aerobics.
Any other exercise with high impact is out.

So from then on,
different therapies was scheduled
around my life.

I am lucky to be blessed with a mum
who is willing to pay
for all these therapies and
give me the luxury
to do all at a beautiful spa.
Everyone said I have a good life.

Let’s put it this way,
when you do all these
because you want to,
it’s luxurious.
When you do all these
because you have to,
it all becomes a chore.
Regardless how I feel everyday,
I have to drag myself to
the acupuncture,
foot reflexology,
physiotherapy,
yoga,
water therapy
and so on.
I am not enjoying them any more.
And no one understand
why I am not enjoying
my good life.

And things didn't seems to get better.
I still have sleep problem.
And worse.
I can’t fall asleep for 3 days.
Then when I do,
I can’t wake up the following day.
This was the worse.

Many nights I cried and cried
wishing I have terminal illness.
So that I can just die
or at least I know I can die from it.
I started having depression.
With all the effort of going to therapies,
things doesn't seem to get better
but worse.
Many nights when I feel really exhausted,
but can’t sleep,
I really had the urge to jump off the building.
Yet, no one understands.

As not to disappoint my mum,
I continued on with my therapies.
I kept all my frustrations
away from her.
And I stopped talking my illness.
Since no one can understand,
what’s the point.
They only make me feel
more frustrated.

I told myself that I can’t give up.
Since I was only 30 years old,
and I won’t die from this.
Life has to go on.
It’s a choice how I want to go on.
Bed ridden and depressive?
Or make the full out of what I can?