Every Monday,
I will go see the Chinese sin sei,
for acupuncture and tui na.
After which, I will go for foot reflexology.
Every other week,
I have appointment with my chiropractor.
Everyone said I have a good life.

After half a year,
my chiropractor referred me
to see a physiotherapist and
encourage me to start yoga.
With a spinal problem,
basically, I can only do
swimming, yoga, pilates and water aerobics.
Any other exercise with high impact is out.

So from then on,
different therapies was scheduled
around my life.

I am lucky to be blessed with a mum
who is willing to pay
for all these therapies and
give me the luxury
to do all at a beautiful spa.
Everyone said I have a good life.

Let’s put it this way,
when you do all these
because you want to,
it’s luxurious.
When you do all these
because you have to,
it all becomes a chore.
Regardless how I feel everyday,
I have to drag myself to
the acupuncture,
foot reflexology,
physiotherapy,
yoga,
water therapy
and so on.
I am not enjoying them any more.
And no one understand
why I am not enjoying
my good life.

And things didn't seems to get better.
I still have sleep problem.
And worse.
I can’t fall asleep for 3 days.
Then when I do,
I can’t wake up the following day.
This was the worse.

Many nights I cried and cried
wishing I have terminal illness.
So that I can just die
or at least I know I can die from it.
I started having depression.
With all the effort of going to therapies,
things doesn't seem to get better
but worse.
Many nights when I feel really exhausted,
but can’t sleep,
I really had the urge to jump off the building.
Yet, no one understands.

As not to disappoint my mum,
I continued on with my therapies.
I kept all my frustrations
away from her.
And I stopped talking my illness.
Since no one can understand,
what’s the point.
They only make me feel
more frustrated.

I told myself that I can’t give up.
Since I was only 30 years old,
and I won’t die from this.
Life has to go on.
It’s a choice how I want to go on.
Bed ridden and depressive?
Or make the full out of what I can?

For one over year,
I was totally lost.
Seen specialists,
done physiotherapies,
and gave up all.

Not only did things not improve,
I was becoming
more and more bedridden.

Initially I thought I had a stroke.
Waking up and
not able to find my limbs.
And it takes about half an hour
before I could move them.
After a while, I just got used to it.

And sometimes,
when I woke,
my head just felt so heavy,
that I went back to sleep.
Waking up became
a real challenge to me.

Early 2002,
I found a chiropractor by chance.
He felt something was wrong with my neck.
And I didn't even share with him
the earlier diagnostic.
Suddenly I saw hope again.

He sent me for X-rays once again.
And I started going to him for treatment.
The only reason I stick with this doctor
was because he took me seriously.
At about the same time,
I started acupuncture and
foot reflexology.

The most interesting part about all these was,
the chiropractor,
my family doctor and
the Chinese sin sei
all could tell me the same thing
from the old X-rays I took
when I was seeing the specialist
at our famous local hospital,
which the specialist didn't tell me.
My neck was too straight,
and the spurs from the deformation
was poking on my nerve.

And hence, I started another journey of therapies.

It all started end of year 1999.
While typing on the keyboard,
my fingers started to feel numb.
This went on for a few days,
and I went to see doctors.
The orthopedic said
I have Cervical Spondylosis.
Well, I didn't quite understand him,
except that spines around the neck
are deformed and pressing on my nerves.

A few weeks later,
part of my head started feeling numb as well.
I was sent to the neurologist.
After all the tests,
I was told I was normal.

This went on for a while.
I started feeling very tired easily
and I had problem waking up.
I couldn't even wake up on time
for a 3pm work shift.
Or I could wake up feeling awake,
and started feeling so tired after the first meal.

Headaches and numbness
became my best friend.
Some doctors even suggest
I had psychiatric problem.
Or I was just trying to get
medical certification to miss work.

By mid of year 2000,
I couldn't carry on working anymore.
I have used up my medical leave
for the entire year.
And I felt it wasn’t fair
for the company that hired me.

I felt totally hopeless then.
No one could tell me what went wrong.
And things didn't get better after
I left my job.
And no one could understand me.
Some thought I was just being lazy.
Some thought I was just being spoilt.
And no one could understand
how frustrated I was.

A lot of people have the misconception
that having self-love means
it’s all about you and no one else.
The fact is when you have self-love,
you have more to give and share,.

Having self-love means having self-respect.
It also means being honest and truthful to yourself.
It also means knowing who you are,
what are your responsibilities and duties.
It also means taking good care of yourself,
mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

When you give because you want to,
it’s self-love.
When you give because you know
it’s your responsibilities and duties,
it’s self-respect.
When you do things from your heart,
it’s self-love.
When you give because you have to,
it’s out of obligation.
When you give to please others,
it’s low self-esteem.
When you take and take and don't give,
you are self-ish.
When you do things without the consideration of others,
it’s self-centered.
When you love yourself and no one else,
it’s narcissistic.

At the end of the day,
whatever you do,
you have to feel fulfilled,
then that’s self-love.
At the end of the day,
whatever you do,
if you feel empty,
please go find some love for yourself.
When you do things out from love for yourself,
you will not ever feel emptied or short changed.

I used to think and believe
people who are older are
smarter and should know more.
Shouldn't they be?
They should have more experiences than I did.
They should have seen more than I did.

I came to realized
it’s not all so true after all.
They might have more experiences than I do.
They might have seen more than I do.
But that doesn't mean that they are smarter
or have better solutions.

As I grow older,
I came to realized
being smart and being wise
are two separate things.
You might be smart,
but doesn't mean that
makes you wise.
Or vice versa.

I have met a lot of people
who have been through a lot in life
but not wise enough to learn
anything out from it.
They thought just because
they have been through life
they know it all.
But the fact is,
they keep going in circle,
not understanding why.

I have met people younger,
who are so amazingly wise,
said profound things about life.
I have met people older,
who makes you listen to them,
just because they are older,
said superficial things about life.

So, my understanding of age is that,
age is just but a number.
And it could be totally meaningless.
It is basically just a number
that says how many years
you have been living on earth.
It does not mean that as the number grows,
you become smarter or wiser.